I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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