Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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