What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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