Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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