please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
