Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Oh god it's open bar.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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