If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
