We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
