there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
