I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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