my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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