I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
