bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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