Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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