I just saw a hot homeless man
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
