i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
