My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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