If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Houston, we have a squirter
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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