i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
my shit smells like andre
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Randomize
