pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
