He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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