My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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