Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
