Can i not drive my cunt home
My cat gives me a boner
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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