it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
