Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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