shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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