Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
a search helicopter?!
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
