I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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