the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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