I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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