dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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