My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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