Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
