i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
