If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
