yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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