yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
