I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
