If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
