just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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