Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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