I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
