if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
