It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you will always have a special place in my vag
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize