haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
