there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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