i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
