Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
