All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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