All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
