Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
