i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize