I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
