Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
soo... how was my night?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
