hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
