I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize