If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
