If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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