I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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