Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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