just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
