great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
