Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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