I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
