I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
love makes seman taste better
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
