Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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