we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
