Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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