your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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