I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
