she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
