dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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