i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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