We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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